CAT got your tongue? oh wait, your entire body.

CT scans just might be my demise. oh sure there are a lot of things that seem like they'd be a lot worse. colonoscopies for one. man do those suck, especially when the anesthesia does not seem to be working as it should and you wake up remembering the whole thing. but i'm going to repress that memory for now. some of you who know the neccesity for me to have CT scans may argue with me here and say "well amanda, really if you think about it, the CT scan isn't so bad. i mean its actually helping to control a much worse demise for you. deal with some minor discomfort for a while." to them i might reply "yes, yes, you all have great points. but let me sit here and complain anyway about how much i hate CT scans because right now in this moment it makes me feel better."

many of you i'm sure have never had the pleasure of being placed inside the giant plastic donut. yes, that's how they first described it to me..."its like a donut." don't sugarcoat it. its not like a donut at all. more of a giant cylinder of annoyance. anyway, for those of you who have never had more than a simple x-ray done allow me to explain this proceedure.

first of all it entails being in a hospital. i'm sure everyone can attest to how non functional hospital settings are, especially waiting rooms (i'm sorry margs, i don't mean to attack your home but you've gotta agree with me on this one). you will most likely show up to your appointment 10 minutes early because they ask you to but will of course not even be called to get registered for another half hour. once they get your name and birthday they tell you to have a seat and assure you that someone will be right with you. i'd honestly like to know what "right with you" means because it always takes at least another half hour after that. well hopefully soon a nice nurse comes to get you and asks you again to repeat your name and birthdate and might ask you some other fun questions about how much medication you take, how much you weigh, what your favorite color is, if you could be any superhero who would you be, etc. then she gently informs you that she will need to start your IV. ps, i hate IVs. and i'm even o.k. with needles. i'm o.k. with having blood drawn. i'm o.k. with shots. but when you want to stick and IV in me, NOWAY! so she'll start your IV and give you this smile which is meant to reassure you but you know deep inside it actually means "sucker, glad i'm not your sorry self." and now comes my favorite part. she tells you she's giving you your "drink" now. drink-like its some kind of fruity cocktail or something. no the drink is actually barium....thick white milky barium designed to coat the inside of your stomach to make all your organs show up nice and pretty on the computer screen in the back room. she'll give you instructions to drink two cups of it now, wait 25 minutes and then drink another 4 cups. you dont know this at the time but once you get back into the CT room they will ask you to drink some more. then mrs. nurse asks you if you'd like a straw, even though sucking this through a tiny hole is probably the last thing on your mind.

now you go back into the waiting room and make strange faces as you try to get your 'drink' down and the people around you probably think you have some rare facial muscle disease that you are being examined for. if all goes well in about 45 minutes you'll be on your way to radiology. if not, well they'll just wait for you to finish then.

once back in radiology they place you on the table. the tech asks you AGAIN what your name and birthday are. last you checked you were not in to have your memory assessed. you've remembered not to wear jeans because mr. CT doesn't like metal, but you have forgotten not to wear that damn underwire. they make you take it off. here comes the really fun part. almost like a ride at disney world. they lab tech tells you that the table will move in and out a few times and you will be asked to breathe in and hold it once in a while. no problem. you're a pro at breathing. but then come the questions about allergies and reactions to iodine and other dye. what? oh yeah, and one point we're going to inject you with this dye to help use see things more clearly (isn't that what i drank my 'drink' for?). don't be alarmed but most people feel a very warm sensation in their body when they are injected with this, almost like you are going to the bathroom. the table moves in and out. you breath in and out. and bam! dye goes in. and suddenly your body feels like its on FIRE. your insides feel as if they have spontaneously combusted and exploded but the suface of your skin is fireproof so it will not let the flames out. the computer voice asks you to breath in and hold it again. how can you possibly be expected to do such a task when clearly your lungs have turned into charcol?

about 10 minutes later everything is over. you roll off the table and the tech tells you to drink lots of water. want to flush that dye out of your system. heaven forbid you be walking around with foreign elements in your body all day long. of course all your thinking about is that cramped hungover feeling you now have from your 'drink' and how good a greasy cheeseburger would be right about now. but its only 10:30 in the morning. looks like you'll have to wait a couple hours for that.