everybody's changing and i don't feel the same

some people never change. or maybe its that they do change but not in the way we expect, want, or think they should so its just easier to think that they haven't changed. nothing spells that out quite like a night at a packed bar in your hometown before any major holiday. i am fortunate enough to only experience one holiday a year like this. i fear that if i witnessed any more i might really start to doubt humanity. i tolerate it, maybe even like it because its the one time a year that i see EVERYONE. people who i start to think have fallen off the face of the planet suddenly appear out of nowhere. they give me hugs and don't let go even though i expected that the hugs were forever over. the jokes resume, the 'i miss you's' exchanged. i wasn't expecting to see him, even though a little part of me wanted to. its so hard to believe that its been 4 years since things were right. 4 years since he was the person i thought i was going to marry. 4 years since he hugged me the way he hugged me tonight. but though i ask about him, tell him that i hope he is doing well, that i believe in him, he never asks of me. never utters the words "how are you doing? how are things out east? i'm sorry its been so long since we've been okay with each other." he makes the usual comments with his friends to show his macho side, his pretend college student side. when i ask what happend to school he tells me he's on the van wilder plan and i look at him with disapproval because i know that he was and is so much more than that if he could only see the potential he has. and then he says something that hurts me, and he sees the hurt in my eyes and he gives me a hug again and squeezes me tight and doesn't let go. or maybe its that i just tell yourself that he doesn't let go because its easier that way. easier than admitting to myself that there is still a tiny bit of pain there. i tell him not to be such a stranger, that its nice talking to him. he tells me he won't. tells me that i should call him...i have his number. but really, what's the point? things have always been cyclical and in a few months it'll be back to square one, fighting. its what we do best afterall. he leaves. possibly for the first time in 4 years not angry at me. he leaves with my phone number in his phone with his phone number in my phone. he leaves, but not before one last hug. there were too many to count tonight. and i stay and think about how for a brief moment it was good again. but then reality sets in and i realize that keane said it best, 'everybody's changing and i dont feel the same.' i'll keep his number in my phone for a while, at least until i get a new one and shift numbers around again. and i'll look at it from time to time and think about calling it. but for now it has to be enough to know that my bitterness left with the change, and that's enough for me.