everybody's changing and i don't feel the same

some people never change. or maybe its that they do change but not in the way we expect, want, or think they should so its just easier to think that they haven't changed. nothing spells that out quite like a night at a packed bar in your hometown before any major holiday. i am fortunate enough to only experience one holiday a year like this. i fear that if i witnessed any more i might really start to doubt humanity. i tolerate it, maybe even like it because its the one time a year that i see EVERYONE. people who i start to think have fallen off the face of the planet suddenly appear out of nowhere. they give me hugs and don't let go even though i expected that the hugs were forever over. the jokes resume, the 'i miss you's' exchanged. i wasn't expecting to see him, even though a little part of me wanted to. its so hard to believe that its been 4 years since things were right. 4 years since he was the person i thought i was going to marry. 4 years since he hugged me the way he hugged me tonight. but though i ask about him, tell him that i hope he is doing well, that i believe in him, he never asks of me. never utters the words "how are you doing? how are things out east? i'm sorry its been so long since we've been okay with each other." he makes the usual comments with his friends to show his macho side, his pretend college student side. when i ask what happend to school he tells me he's on the van wilder plan and i look at him with disapproval because i know that he was and is so much more than that if he could only see the potential he has. and then he says something that hurts me, and he sees the hurt in my eyes and he gives me a hug again and squeezes me tight and doesn't let go. or maybe its that i just tell yourself that he doesn't let go because its easier that way. easier than admitting to myself that there is still a tiny bit of pain there. i tell him not to be such a stranger, that its nice talking to him. he tells me he won't. tells me that i should call him...i have his number. but really, what's the point? things have always been cyclical and in a few months it'll be back to square one, fighting. its what we do best afterall. he leaves. possibly for the first time in 4 years not angry at me. he leaves with my phone number in his phone with his phone number in my phone. he leaves, but not before one last hug. there were too many to count tonight. and i stay and think about how for a brief moment it was good again. but then reality sets in and i realize that keane said it best, 'everybody's changing and i dont feel the same.' i'll keep his number in my phone for a while, at least until i get a new one and shift numbers around again. and i'll look at it from time to time and think about calling it. but for now it has to be enough to know that my bitterness left with the change, and that's enough for me.

"chicago?" "no, uh, sheboygan. we had a couplea hits up there"

*classic John Candy moment-Home Alone 1.

well today is it...i'm heading out for the holidays. all that's left to do now is go home and finish the rest of my packing and pick up some yuengling, quality western PA beer, for the fam.

i've said goodbye to margy who is in sunny cali right now. i've said goodbye to janice who will be heading back to the grove in a few short days. i've said goodbye to greg who i hope will find a great deal of happiness in this holiday. i'm still saying goodbye to maria but will think of her on my drive as i listen to Dane Cook-Retaliation. i've said goodbye to my roommate through emails and hope to see her for a few before i head out tomorrow morning. i've said goodbye to matt who will be spending the holiday in Kentucky (?) and a celebratory New Years in Chicago. i look back on the time i've spent out here, especially these past 6 months, and find it amazing that i now have so many people who i will miss for the two weeks i will be gone, how so many positive people have come into my life just when i was beginning to think that new friendships were not possible.

so back to wisconsin i go. a different person than i was a year and a half ago when i left for the first time, a different person than i was a year ago, a different person than i was 6 months ago. but i look forward to the change of scenery, the change of atmosphere, the change of people. i look forward to spending thursday night with my long lost girls, to spending friday night making sheboygan as crazy of a place as we possibly can. i look forward to being with the only people i can ever imagine spending christmas with, my family. but mostly, i look forward to knowing that two weeks from now i will look forward to coming home...to pittsburgh.

perhaps i will blog about the craziness that undoubtably always is sheboygan and my family while i'm there, but if i don't make it to the internet on my parents 56k connection, see you in 2006 blogspot!

cheers, and thanks for reading this year blog friends.

these musicians we like to sometimes call our friends

i took out the music in my profile. it was starting to annoy even me. if you have some kind of preference to it let me know and i'll put it back.

and onto blog #3 as promised.

in life, if we are lucky, we have defining moments of clarity. the moments when we truly feel God's presence, or the cosmos seem to all have aligned if that is your sort of thing. the moments where we feel that we are where we should be, doing what we should be doing. last night was one of those such moments for me. allow me to share.

i've been crabby lately. very crabby. God bless my wonderful friends who have put up with this unusual nature of mine. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that winter decided to come full blown early and its still a good 15 degrees below the norm here in pittsburgh. but last night i felt it, the sense that everything would be okay.

margs called me last night excited about her boss sending her home from work due to a threat of incliment winter weather. thus this being the 'week of margy' as i've seen her every single day naturally we decided it best to celebrate her rare thursday night off in some format. so off to the club cafe we went to see margy's wonderful friend Kathryn O'Leary (i appologize for those interested i cannot find a website for her) followed by another friend Ben Hardt. As i'm sitting in the lounge type atmosphere with margs listening to these fabulous people sing jazz and play guitar and upright bass and drums i realize that not only is pittsburgh not that bad but it is exactly where i am supposed to be right now at this very moment in time. Ben concludes his set and tells the crowd that he will be touring with Eric James early next year. I look at margy and tell her that i love Eric James and that he is the first person i ever saw play at club cafe. margs looks at me and smiles and says "he went to Grove City too. i know him. i think you and i would have met anyway even if we hadn't met at church." and then i knew that meeting margy, and later meeting her roommate janice was also part of the plan for me. in just two short months (has it really only been two months, girls?) these two have quickly become one of the most prominent features of my life here in pittsburgh.

after the show i sat in silence for a while. margy looked at me and asked what i thought. "thanks for dragging me out in the slush" i said to her. "i knew you'd love it." and as i thought there i thought about all the fantastic musicians like Eric James, Shelly Rollison, Kathryn O'Leary, Ben Hardt, and Matthew Brian Ruddy (aka MistaRuddy) with Matt and probably Kathryn and Shelly soon enough holding a dear place in my heart. I think about all this talent and the fact that i'm sitting right in front of it, watching it grow, watching it be inspired. i think about these people who i know have nothing but great things ahead for them. and i can't help but be in awe. when i left madison i vowed that i would be more involved in the next city i lived in. that it wouldn't just be about the bars and the clubs and the stupid stories the morning after. after i moved here i vowed that i would eventually come to look back on this time with great nostagia knowing that i experienced everything there was to experience.

well i can't think of a better experience than walking up to kathryn after her set and telling her she was awesome and actually know that i will personally see her do great things from there and not just read about it on some website.

"monster" in reverse?

and now for blog #2.

i was walking home last night at around 6:30 from the bus. its a short walk, maybe 10 minutes tops with the ice covered sidewalks (we've already established people in my neighborhood don't take care of this stuff). there is a female walking about 10 yards behind me and we are both walking as fast as we can without falling on the ice. i'm about 2 houses away from my house when i hear a car pulling up behind me. i hear someone roll down the window and say something to the female behind me. "no thank you" she repies. two seconds later the car pulls up along side me. rolls down window. a female driver leans over her male or female passenger (i can't really tell) and asks me if i need a ride. i do what i've been taught to do in random situations such as these and just keep walking. car keeps driving beside me, woman keeps asking if i need a ride. finally i look at her and say bluntly, "no." and off they drive. in my head i'm thinking "if i had gotten in the car with her where would she have taken me? what kind of crazy cult would they bring me to? how many husbands would i have to please? what if one little word, no, was the difference between me seeing the comfort of my friendship apartment or the inside of some satanic worship ground?" jessi thinks she was just trying to be nice. but even charlize theron pulled off playing a convict who recieved the death penalty, she even won an oscar for it. i guess my mommy always told me never to talk to strangers...

i saw mommy kissing who?

today there will be 3 blogs. because they all concern different topics and it would not be fair to lump them all together. so there will be three blogs at some point anyway.

the first is christmas related. concerns a christmas song actually. the age old classic "i saw mommy kissing santa claus." its more of an opinion blog than anything for the sake of an argumentamy and i had yesterday regarding the content of the song.

below are snippets of my conversation with amy on this matter.

amy: don't laugh but I think I just figured out the song "I saw mommy kissing santa"
amanda: what?
amanda: like you didnt get it?
amy: i just don't think i ever thought about it
amy: like who santa really was
amanda: and what do you mean you just got who santa really was?
amanda: he was santa
amy: but I thought santa was the dad
amanda: no
amanda: santa was santa
amy: but there is no santa
amanda: but little kids don't know that
amy: but adults do
amanda: you can't read into christmas music. if you use "there is no santa" as a basis for things then no christmas song makes sense. rudolph the red nose reigndeer...nope, frosty the snowman, nope
amy: but I like the song when the dad is santa and the kid thinks his mom is cheating
amanda: yeah but its not really cheating if its santa
amy: how so
amanda: actually come to think of it...going with your he's not real statement, it was cheating but with anotehr man
amy: WHAT! You say it was another man dressed up like santa and not her husband? You are taking this to a whole new level
amanda: that's what i'm suggesting. but i dont think he was dressed up like santa. i think he just looked like santa
amy: what! So mommy was making out with an old guy? Ok, now I think you are crazy and just trying to get a reaction from me. I am going to go with my original thought on this song
amanda: no i'm n ot kidding. you know how when you are little you think every guy with a light beard is santa? he doesn't necessarily have to be old
amy: I think you are wrong
amanda: but he never makes it clear that he is the dad
amy: come on, how many couples do you think have a little thingy christmas eve night in santa and ms. santa like outfits?
amanda: he didnt say anything about mommy being ms santa
amy: I know that, I am just saying that the night invites certain wardrobe choices
amy: you know what I mean....
amanda: i'm sticking with infidelity
amy: I am thinking that mommy has a santa fetish
amanda: honestly in little kids eyes kissing santa is not a big deal
amanda: if my m om would have kissed santa i wouldn't have cared
amanda: you are taking this to a whole new leevel
amanda: i'm talking infidelity and you can't handle that with the kids but you can handle sex disorders?
amanda: like fetishism?
amanda: that's just sick
amy: you are totally wrong and maria and I are correct
amy: but the kid just thinks it is santa, but the mom just likes the santa costume
amy: this is too much for me to handle
amanda: yes, but you are still inviting sexual dysfunction into a christmas song
amy: haha...if you want to phrase it that way
amanda: so we have either infidelity or sexual dysfunction
amanda: you pick
amy: you are introducing infadelity
amanda: either one is horrible
amanda: either way the song is clearly unsuitable for children

so i'm asking you all do devirginize my comments section by explaining to me what you think the lyrics to this christmas (clearly not suitable for children) classic mean. do you agree with me or amy or do you have your own thoughts?

CAT got your tongue? oh wait, your entire body.

CT scans just might be my demise. oh sure there are a lot of things that seem like they'd be a lot worse. colonoscopies for one. man do those suck, especially when the anesthesia does not seem to be working as it should and you wake up remembering the whole thing. but i'm going to repress that memory for now. some of you who know the neccesity for me to have CT scans may argue with me here and say "well amanda, really if you think about it, the CT scan isn't so bad. i mean its actually helping to control a much worse demise for you. deal with some minor discomfort for a while." to them i might reply "yes, yes, you all have great points. but let me sit here and complain anyway about how much i hate CT scans because right now in this moment it makes me feel better."

many of you i'm sure have never had the pleasure of being placed inside the giant plastic donut. yes, that's how they first described it to me..."its like a donut." don't sugarcoat it. its not like a donut at all. more of a giant cylinder of annoyance. anyway, for those of you who have never had more than a simple x-ray done allow me to explain this proceedure.

first of all it entails being in a hospital. i'm sure everyone can attest to how non functional hospital settings are, especially waiting rooms (i'm sorry margs, i don't mean to attack your home but you've gotta agree with me on this one). you will most likely show up to your appointment 10 minutes early because they ask you to but will of course not even be called to get registered for another half hour. once they get your name and birthday they tell you to have a seat and assure you that someone will be right with you. i'd honestly like to know what "right with you" means because it always takes at least another half hour after that. well hopefully soon a nice nurse comes to get you and asks you again to repeat your name and birthdate and might ask you some other fun questions about how much medication you take, how much you weigh, what your favorite color is, if you could be any superhero who would you be, etc. then she gently informs you that she will need to start your IV. ps, i hate IVs. and i'm even o.k. with needles. i'm o.k. with having blood drawn. i'm o.k. with shots. but when you want to stick and IV in me, NOWAY! so she'll start your IV and give you this smile which is meant to reassure you but you know deep inside it actually means "sucker, glad i'm not your sorry self." and now comes my favorite part. she tells you she's giving you your "drink" now. drink-like its some kind of fruity cocktail or something. no the drink is actually barium....thick white milky barium designed to coat the inside of your stomach to make all your organs show up nice and pretty on the computer screen in the back room. she'll give you instructions to drink two cups of it now, wait 25 minutes and then drink another 4 cups. you dont know this at the time but once you get back into the CT room they will ask you to drink some more. then mrs. nurse asks you if you'd like a straw, even though sucking this through a tiny hole is probably the last thing on your mind.

now you go back into the waiting room and make strange faces as you try to get your 'drink' down and the people around you probably think you have some rare facial muscle disease that you are being examined for. if all goes well in about 45 minutes you'll be on your way to radiology. if not, well they'll just wait for you to finish then.

once back in radiology they place you on the table. the tech asks you AGAIN what your name and birthday are. last you checked you were not in to have your memory assessed. you've remembered not to wear jeans because mr. CT doesn't like metal, but you have forgotten not to wear that damn underwire. they make you take it off. here comes the really fun part. almost like a ride at disney world. they lab tech tells you that the table will move in and out a few times and you will be asked to breathe in and hold it once in a while. no problem. you're a pro at breathing. but then come the questions about allergies and reactions to iodine and other dye. what? oh yeah, and one point we're going to inject you with this dye to help use see things more clearly (isn't that what i drank my 'drink' for?). don't be alarmed but most people feel a very warm sensation in their body when they are injected with this, almost like you are going to the bathroom. the table moves in and out. you breath in and out. and bam! dye goes in. and suddenly your body feels like its on FIRE. your insides feel as if they have spontaneously combusted and exploded but the suface of your skin is fireproof so it will not let the flames out. the computer voice asks you to breath in and hold it again. how can you possibly be expected to do such a task when clearly your lungs have turned into charcol?

about 10 minutes later everything is over. you roll off the table and the tech tells you to drink lots of water. want to flush that dye out of your system. heaven forbid you be walking around with foreign elements in your body all day long. of course all your thinking about is that cramped hungover feeling you now have from your 'drink' and how good a greasy cheeseburger would be right about now. but its only 10:30 in the morning. looks like you'll have to wait a couple hours for that.

I'll be Home for Christmas

in light of my many friends in recent accidents (well okay there were only actually 2 people, but one person had 2 accidents and knew of another who had an accident), and in light of the fact that in exactly one week i will be on the road back to the midwest i decided to post some winter driving tips courtesy of the weather channel. i do believe that everyone should learn how to drive in winter and despite what you say when you are 16, no it is not better if your birthday is in august so you don't have to deal with winter weather. snow banks will destroy your car just as much as a deer will, spinning out of control donut style is not as fun as riding the teacups at disney world, antilock brakes are awesome but when you are driving on a sheet of ice they will not allow you to stop on a dime, and most of the time i GUARANTEE it is worth the extra 3 minutes to clean ALL of the snow off ALL of you car windows. with your help and mine we will all make it home safely for christmas.

*this public service announcement has been brought to you by ~mandakay and the weather channel. thanks for reading.

Driving safely on icy roads

• Decrease your speed and leave yourself plenty of room to stop. You should allow at least three times more space than usual between you and the car in front of you.
  
• Brake gently to avoid skidding. If your wheels start to lock up, ease off the brake.
  
• Turn on your lights to increase your visibility to other motorists.
  
• Keep your lights and windshield clean.
  
• Use low gears to keep traction, especially on hills.
  
• Don't use cruise control or overdrive on icy roads.
  
• Be especially careful on bridges, overpasses and infrequently traveled roads, which will freeze first. Even at temperatures above freezing, if the conditions are wet, you might encounter ice in shady areas or on exposed roadways like bridges.
  
• Don't pass snow plows and sanding trucks. The drivers have limited visibility, and you're likely to find the road in front of them worse than the road behind.
  
• Don't assume your vehicle can handle all conditions. Even four-wheel and front-wheel drive vehicles can encounter trouble on winter roads.

If your rear wheels skid...

• Take your foot off the accelerator.
  
• Steer in the direction you want the front wheels to go. If your rear wheels are sliding left, steer left. If they're sliding right, steer right.
  
• If your rear wheels start sliding the other way as you recover, ease the steering wheel toward that side. You might have to steer left and right a few times to get your vehicle completely under control.
  
• If you have standard brakes, pump them gently.
  
• If you have anti-lock brakes (ABS), do not pump the brakes. Apply steady pressure to the brakes. You will feel the brakes pulse -- this is normal.

If your front wheels skid...

• Take your foot off the gas and shift to neutral, but don't try to steer immediately.
  
• As the wheels skid sideways, they will slow the vehicle and traction will return. As it does, steer in the direction you want to go. Then put the transmission in "drive" or release the clutch, and accelerate gently.

If you get stuck...

• Do not spin your wheels. This will only dig you in deeper.
  
• Turn your wheels from side to side a few times to push snow out of the way.
  
• Use a light touch on the gas, to ease your car out.
  
• Use a shovel to clear snow away from the wheels and the underside of the car.
  
• Pour sand, kitty litter, gravel or salt in the path of the wheels, to help get traction.
  
• Try rocking the vehicle. (Check your owner's manual first -- it can damage the transmission on some vehicles.) Shift from forward to reverse, and back again. Each time you're in gear, give a light touch on the gas until the vehicle gets going.
  

look into my crystal ball and i will tell you what you've seen

today's blog was inspired by an entry in november on chad's blog.

visit futureme.org and write yourself a letter to be delivered to your email at any date in the future you choose. the main purpose of this site is to be a sort of internet time capsule. established in 2002 it has already delivered many emails to patient people anxiously wanting to remember what their hopes, dreams, thoughts, worries of the past were. if you are like me you keep a journal. maybe like me you are bad at it, maybe unlike me you update it regualrly. if you are like me you have a blog, and you try to update it regularly but maybe that doesn't always happen. if you keep a journal and are like me you frequently look back on older entries and find it hard to believe that those very thoughts were in your head at that time. but i tend to write in my journal at night before bed. and most of the time i'm simply too tired to take the time to write everything out that is on my mind. how great would it be if you could keep a journal electronically, in essence send an email to yourself periodically, knowing that it would be sealed until your designated time? its like a blog, only private...kinda.

i honestly hope that if i email myself, i will look back on it in 5 years and breathe a sigh of relief that my self-published worries were fruitless. i guess i'll just have to wait until 2010 to find out.

a photo journey of saturday

saturday afternoon i went climbing with matt. i'd never been climbing before but matt is a hardcore outdoor enthusiast so he is completely revved about the idea but keeps pleading to me to not drop him. this doesn't help my nerves by the way. well turns out that the gym we went to wouldn't actually let us top-rope because i'm not familiar with how to do it, i guess they needed me to take some into class that costs like $30 or something and matt was pretty confident that he could just show me how to do it. we've since found a gym that will allow me to do it. anyway, we just decided to boulder which meant climbing lower walls without a harness. i tried one wall and was like "yeah, this sucks. this is not fun. how do people actually enjoy this." but the persistant person that i am i smile at matt and say "well let me try another wall. i don't really like this one." and of course tell him i'm having a good time. about an hour later i'm completely into it. actually even trying to challenge myself a little bit and follow the trails they have marked out on the walls. and yeah, then it was actually fun and after we were finished and my hands were severely callused and the balls of my feet hurt too much to walk on i actually wanted to go again. well two days later i cannot walk, and am in severe need of a massage but still i'm ready to go. matt's got his hopes set high on me being able to top rope next time but i don't know if i'm ready for the height of the wall, or the notion that i'm actually in control of matt's final destination.

and in other stories...saturday night margy and janice had a last minute holiday soiree at their apartment which turned out fantastic! and the guests were even courteous and took their shoes off...

i probably had too much wine...

but janice and i finally got a picture together...

as did matt and i...

and santa even made a visit!

so as you can see, all in all, saturday was a good day.

a ring on her finger

kate got engaged. yay kate! this wasn't really a surprise but i'm excited to actually see a ring on her finger now. and i'm looking at the picture of her beautiful ring and i notice how nicely groomed her hand is. and this worries me. not that kate's hand is nicely groomed but that mine isn't. when (if) i get engaged what happens when i need to take pictures to show friends and family? i was telling maria yesterday that i'm going to have to hire a hand double. as most of you who know me even a little bit know i have long since had the nervous habit of biting and picking my finger nails. they definitely look much better than they once did but my nails still do not extend past the end of my fingers and my cuticles are all ripped up. plus my fingers are really knuckly (is knuckly a word) and crooked. people, amy especially, have been trying to get me to knock off the obnoxious habit for years. nothing works. i just pick at things. i dont know what it is.

so who wants to be my hand double for the gorgeous ring that my future boyfriend/fiance/husband gives me?

maybe i should invest in a pair of ice skates

...see Margy's blog for details of my eventful monday evening...

and now onto other matters...

so seriously, isn't there some kind of city ordinance about keeping the sidewalks free of ice? i remember in madison there was some kind of fine that you were subject to if you didnt shovel and salt within a few hours of snow and ice. but apparently here in pittsburgh that is just an effort that people don't want to take. my apartment steps are a lawsuit waiting to happen. as is the majority of the sidewalk that i walk on on my way to the bus stop. honestly, some of us are not equipped with the grace and skill to walk on pure ice.

and also, the light on my floor in my apartment building is burned out again...

annoyed.